Life after loss - GBM
It’s a shit place, a really shit place. Somewhere I don’t wish anyone to be. Somewhere I never thought I’d be at 25. Trying to navigate a new life solo parenting while grieving and missing my soulmate more then ever.
It goes as the saying ‘when you died a part of me died too’
I’ll never be the same person. The life lessons, the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, everything has changed me. Cookie made me a better person. He taught me so much and together I felt like we were a powerhouse. He always used to say to me we are like a train powering along and we can’t fall off these tracks.
Well I’ve fallen off the tracks - NO actually I’ve exploded into a billion pieces. I thought I’d do grief differently or maybe I thought this would all feel different.
The days following Cookies passing I felt so much relief for him - even the night he passed. I knelt down beside his bed squeezing his cold hand in hopes he’d squeeze it back like he normally would. It not only broke me but it also made me feel like he was at peace. That he was ok.
After saying my final goodbyes that night - I flicked the hospital room light off saying ‘goodnight babe I love you and I’ll see you soon’. That walk down the hallway knowing that I’d never ever get to see that beautiful smile again, his sweet I love yous and in fact not only 2 weeks prior he walked himself in here and there I was walking out of the hospital alone without him to never return home again.
I got home around 9-9.30pm that night. The kids all sound asleep in bed and all I wanted to do was just wake them. But I didn’t. I went to bed and layed awake, with the light on, and a stream of what felt like never ending tears. I think I had a wink of sleep but at 6am I heard our little mates feet hit the floor and he came straight into me. This part just broke my heart. Telling the kids he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. Something they really struggled to understand and I mean so do I.
Since then we’ve got through Cookies send off, ticking a few things off his list, his best mates 30th, Christmas, New Year and now Chazzys birthday.
The lead up is HARD the day and in the moment I feel like I do semi OK but then afterwards I crash. I cry for hours/days/sometimes it feels like a whole week.
The daily triggers break me, the less washing, one less plate to dish up, no more nightly showers together, the cold empty bed, the work he did on our house, the clothes hanging in the wardrobe, his shoes in the shoebox, his favourite foods left in the cupboard.. the list goes on.
The weeks and now months following Chazzy forgets and if we drive past the local hospital he still goes to say can we say daddy before remembering his gone. And I can see the kids are starting to really feel it now. Ava will come up to me and say I miss daddy and mummy I’m allowed to cry just like you. I mean bless her but it tears my heart out how a 4.5 year old even has to deal with this stuff.
I remember the first time I took the kids to the cemetery driving in Ava innocently pipes up in the back seat and says mummy I’ve never been here before this place is so beautiful.
I don’t understand at this time in our lives we have to be so familiar in visiting the cemetery to see our missing piece. It bottom line fuking sucks.
And I mean other then this shit downs of wanting to join Cookie and relieve myself from this pain, I try to find my purpose in every day. And as I said above I really wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. I’m hoping one day there’s a cure so that more families don’t have to go through this. I will continue to do what I’m doing because
Someone I love needed a cure.
Lots of love - Chloe xo